…….. I am so messed up. My life is turning upside down in one flick. First there was this freaking thing that happen back there in the office that nearly cost me my job. And it’s not even my freaking fault! Then along came another problem… family.

As much as those who is close to me know, I do not have a typical happy malay family. Heck even my dad is not a Malay. Hence the terms ‘happy family’ does not fit into my life. Plus the way that I screwed up back then realllllyyyy helps me with the relationship. I guess that is why I am really into those who is close to me, be it friend or bestfriend or even that ‘special’ kinda girlfriend, know wot I’m saying?

She has left me. Not in the way that I imagine, that is. The worst part is that you have no one to blame but yourself. And she has that nice timing, too. Just when I need someone so damn much, she decided to make the move, to pull the switch, to let the noose do the work. It hurts. So much. If only I can let the love go away. Yet it kept on clinging onto my heart, like a big, ugly cancer pulling me down to the ground. Oh wait, here’s the best part. Facing these situations alone. Yerp, you heard me boy. A.L.O.N.E. The burden is starting to weight down on me. She left me. Not that I hate her, I don’t even blame her. But to think that she…. well let’s just say if we switch places she would be pissed off. 😛

Now here I am, 3.00am in the morning, blogging away about how I feel right now. I am suppose to lie down on the bed. Usually the time before I, no, WE go to sleep, is OUR time. The time when either one of us call and we talk about what happen during our day. Some are serious, most are hillarious, and the best part is no matter how ugly the day was, it will turn out to be a beautiful day once I’ve talked to her before I go to sleep. Hence I can sleep soundly. Well you can say that she is my sleeping pills. 😛

These things happens because of the mother rejected me due the fact that I do not meet certain criteria. Well I do not blame the mother, she is just protecting the child. But what I learn from someone is that we, as a child, has the ability to prove to our mother that we are choosing the right choice. Life is nothing but choices, and we are the ones who made the move.

Penatlah cakap English. Walaupun aku suruh dia ikut kata2 mak dia, tapi deep down inside aku nak dia buat satu pilihan sendiri, bukan atas pengaruh mana2 pihak. Aku nak dia buang perasaan sayang kat mana2 pihak (termasuk aku) dan pilih berdasarkan akal yang waras. Tapi aku manusia biasa. Aku nak dia pilih aku. Aku nak dia kat sbelah aku. Aku nak dia sayang aku, tolong aku bila aku susah, gelakkan aku bila aku susah gila (haha), dan yang paling penting, ada kat sbelah aku bila aku perlukan dia. Macam yang aku selalu cakaplah, bila aku ader orang yang aku sayang, memang nahaslah orang tuh coz she will be the centre of everything!! 😛

Skarang aku baru tau yang lately nih dia ader msg ngan orang lain. Walaupun kawan, tapi hati aku rasa tak best jugak. So skarang aku kene penatkan mata aku sebelum aku tido. Kami dah takder “waktu bersama” lagi. (Hey don’t get the wrong idea!) Aku betul2 rindukan dia. Bukan main2, bukan kata2 manis. Tapi perasaan yang.. aku rasa nak ajer terbang pegi kat dia, peluk dia. Tapi kami dah jadi kawan sahaja. Dia dah ada orang lain. “Someone better”, that is what my heart told me. Tapi aku… sedih, penat, sakit hati, celaru, bengang, lapar, haus, chagu, nasi lemak etc.. T.T

Kalaulah aku boleh ubah fikiran dia… It’s too late. Aku taknak pengaruh apa2 keputusan dia sbb aku nak dia buat keputusan pakai daya sendiri. Aku taknak dia pilih aku just because she loves me (kalau btol lah dia sayang aku). Aku taknak dia susah… tapi skarang macam aku pulak yang susah HAHA.. Memang padan muka aku!

….. I am still in love with her and I don’t know how long can I stand these things.. Depression sucks.. Nampaknya aku kene makan ubat tido lagi malam nih… *sigh*

Saya sayang awak lagi… T.T sampai bila aku nak tahan perasaan nih? Kalaulah boleh ada peluang.. T.T


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