What if…..

… you are left alone without anyone to talk to? Mesti rase macam nak pukul orang kan? Well, I’ve always have that kind of feelings. Tapi slalu aku tolak tepi dengan bermain2 dengan gitar kapok (tuh pon daripada ikhsan Fariz :p). Semalam je, tiba2 perasaan sunyi tuh timbul. So dengan fucked-up nye aku decide untuk pegi basuh keta tengah2 malam buta. But first, a trip around Johor Bahru uhuhuh…

Macam2 jenis orang aku tengok. Banyak yang tak bestlah daripada best. Lalu kat bandar, nampak few girls yang tengah tunggu bas. Keje shift malamlah kot. Kesian. I’ve been in their shoes, and damn I was so fucked up back then! Tertekan gile, balik malam, takde time untuk diri sendiri.

And then there are guys, melayu, maybe mixed blood, but still looks like a malay to me, duduk kat tepi2 jalan. From the looks of it, dorang macam dalam keadaan mabuk. Pity them. Actually, kesian kat mak bapak. Kalau parents depa tau, msti rase kecik ati. Aku haraplah supaya aku dan keturunan aku (kalau aderlah) akan dipeliharan daripada perkara2 macam tuh.

Semalam, macam2 aku pikir. Kadang2 rase macam tak diperlukan lagi. I felt that I am no use to the world. Frankly speaking, if I were a non-muslim I’d swear I’ll do something stupid last night. Tapi Alhamdulillah, selepas mendengar perdebatan antara akal dan nafsu aku, akal aku menang 1 – 0. So I just toured around JB, ingat nak beli DVD tapi macam takde duit.

Time2 macam nih, aku baru perasan, yang actually, aku ader ke, takde ke, same je. Bukan nak cakap ngada2 atau perlukan perhatian. Aku type nih pon, aku takde perasaan sedih whatsoever. It’s a simple, plain truth. Most of the people that I’ve known to ‘need me’, don’t really ‘need me’ in the first place. Cakap hanya untuk sedapkan hati aku. I dun mind. I dun even care. Sekarang, kalau orang tak perlukan aku, takpe. Tapi aku sendiri perlukan diri aku sendiri. I am my own friend. I am my own enemy.

Baru perasan betapa besarnya kuasa Allah. Left alone is such a pain. Nampak macam ramia kawan, tapi actually, I felt hollow inside. Ntahlah. Yelah, aku nih takda apa2. Belajar pon tak tinggi. Sapa nak pandang. *haa nih ayat ngada2😛 *

Shah dah selamat pindah KL. Wangsa Maju if I am not mistaken. So no jam session for us for the timebeing. Lepas nih nak jam kene pi KL, or tunggu Shah balik sini.

Depression semakin melanda. Tapi probnye aku tatau nape aku jadi macam nih. Badan ja besaq, hati kecik macam tikuih. Key mark.

.. again I reach out in the dark, in despair…

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